This post was inspired by Ivy's blog post entitled Sharing My PPD Story….hoping other moms will too
I did have an instant bonding experience with my baby. The moment I saw that slimy little cone-head she was beautiful to my eyes. For a moment she was the only thing in the world that mattered to me. It was a feeling so intense there aren't words that accurately describe it. The words spiritual and magical both come close.
I know a lot of people don't feel that. I know I was so blessed that I did. That bond is one of the things that has helped me through these difficult times.
I first noticed something was wrong on our first night home after Avi was born. It came time to go to bed. I put her down in her little bassinet and immediately began to panic. My husband moved the bassinet right up next to the bed. That wasn't good enough. I moved my head down to the foot of the bed so I would be right next to her. That still wasn't good enough.
Still panicking, I begged my husband to take us back to the hospital. I needed that nursery. I needed a competent trained professional to watch her while I slept. He told me that wasn't an option. I don't think he realized how frightened I was and he quickly fell asleep.
No one else was there so I resolved that I would just stay up the entire night with her. My mom would be here in the morning. Then she could take care of the baby. Then I would rest.
It seemed like the only logical option at the time. I listened to her breathing all night, dozing for just a few moments at a time. I remembered that in a week my mom would fly back home and my husband would return to work and school. That thought kept nagging at me all night long, but for the moment I was calmer.
At least for one week, I had a plan.
At least for one week, I could keep her safe.